When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…