When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”