Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Haha good job!!

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.