When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
long lost
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong