When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
This why you should mind your business
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Lmao
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath