When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
we’re dead?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
bias laundering edition
