When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…