When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”