Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

What personal space?

My dog

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.