When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
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Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.