When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I beg your pardon?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Confused owl: What?!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
weird email i got today
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.