When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Toxic snake
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
But wait…
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”