Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Noah was an idiot.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.