Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”