Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?