Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

you will never know the true number of layers

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Yes my dude

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

don’t we all

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper