When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
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That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills