When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
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The glory of fall.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
edward fingerhands
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no