Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

best first i’ve ever seen

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Who did it better?

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

Damn he played himself

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?