When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
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A short story of betrayal:
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
LOOOOOOL
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now