When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
You Might Also Like
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles