When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Based Erika
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.