Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

Oh we’ve met.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol