Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”