Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

sleeping beauty

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person