When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
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Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
when someone compliments me
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Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs