Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first you must answer his riddles

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

broke down and did it

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.