Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

The photographer’s assistant

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?