When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
What a chick magnet..
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?