When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Now, where’s the sport in that?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
dream blunt rotation
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
A choir of Spring onions
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet