Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”