When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.