When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
At this point, egging someone’s house could be interpreted as a sign of affection.
Last night someone was sharing how their great grandpa passed away and when they said “he was shot through the heart” it took every brain cell i have not to say “and you’re to blame”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Do not levitate over flowers
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames