When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
😭😭😭
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.