When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL