When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
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My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
🤣🤣🤣
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.