When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.