When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.