Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.