When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
You Might Also Like
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Most Common Source of Electricity
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.