When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.