When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
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And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
absolutely not
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.