Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

This is sending me to another galaxy

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

The Joker was right

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya