Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

uh oh

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]