When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up