When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*