When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
New menu item
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
