Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

Hmm 🧐

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.