When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
You Might Also Like
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
do what now??
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My daily affirmation
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.