When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
They are only bad decisions if you get caught