I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
when someone rings the doorbell
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[eulogy]
line?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*