When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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early stone age tool
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore