When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Quadruple digit IQ
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.