When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
You Might Also Like
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Cats are still liquid.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
🖤✌🏽
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing