When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
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The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken