@J0hnnyBlaze

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

- @J0hnnyBlaze

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@notacroc

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?

ME: I’m very strong

X: So? All my students are

ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*

X: Dear god

@EndhooS

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

@PinkCamoTO

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

@UncleDuke1969

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

@shutupmikeginn

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

@shanethevein

Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.

@TheSeanBrewster

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

@mrjohndarby

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

@Social_Mime

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.