When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
These work great until they don’t.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan