Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.