Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.