Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.