Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

My beach vacation Google searches

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark