when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.