when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
You Might Also Like
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I would like even faster food.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.