Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.