When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?