When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Still a very good boi….
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.