When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
You Might Also Like
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?