When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
I never know how much to tip a cow.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
