When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
A couple who are silly together stay together.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist