When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
When someone trying to leave me
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Canada has crack?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.