When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My birth announcement for our third baby
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic